Ring Tones

In this age of technology, you can hear the most popular and inane tunes when a phone rings. In fact, you can typically hear an obsure tune play instead of the typical electronic rings on a cell that you used to hear when they first came out. What I'm puzzled about is the inablilty to actually program a recorded voice to play back that's linked to caller ID. Invention (you heard it hear first) alert: Why don't they set up a way so when a caller calls, a voice prompts you that "it's your battle axe of a mother-in-law calling, please ignore the fat tub of goo!" or the more telling "it's your sexy nymphomanic girlfriend, drop everything and answer before she changes her mind!" Imagine the possibilities, if your boss calls: "Mr. arrogant bastard is checking up on his minions, better answer and break out the chapstick because he's gonna need a kiss-up" or the bill collector: "thank you sir, may I have another!"

There can be no end to the creative madness!

Driving Me Crazy!

Growing up as a precocious child, I was always curious about driving a vehicle. My first recollection was riding a bus, and being amazed at the enormous size of the vehicle. After dropping in the fare into the glass coin box, I sat in the front seat and watched a huge black man steer the bus into the traffic. As he made each stop, he was careful to open the door and greet each customer with a smile. My most vivid memory is actually the steering wheel, and the drivers ability to move the wheel with great effort. Not only was power steering probably a luxury, I'm not sure if it was even invented at the time, so a driver must have been pretty strong to overcome the physics of steering a bus of such size and weight. To compensate, I believe each bus was outfitted with a larger than life steer wheel. In fact, I think it would be difficult for even Atlas to be able to carry it on his shoulders. I imagine such a steering wheel would be protruding from the side windows in a normal car today.

I often think about how much easier and fun it would be to drive with such a large steering wheel. Only a few inches of movement would surely allow one to make a 45 degree turn. I couldn't even imagine how large an air back it could contain, probably an air mattress, so you can believe that it would be safe! I would even bet that it could serve as a hula hoop and snare a thrown driver in the event of a front end collision. Imagine being saved in an accident and being able to compete in Ringling Bros. at the same time!

Pardon My French!

I've never cared for the expression "pardon my french". Naturally, to show my disdain, I began to use the expression myself with what I hoped was a sarcastic tone. It now occurs to me that the subtlety of my tone may be lost on the casual listener - I could be one that others look upon with the same disdain that I have.

All I can say is "L'enfer avec cette merde". I don't think FreeTranslation.com quite handled my expression correctly though. Oh well, pardon my french!

Scratch Pad

I was having a meeting with someone I hadn't met before, and for some reason, during the middle of the conversation, I completely forgot his name. I typically would like to mention a person's name in such a meeting to further a point, but simply could not figure out who he was. I tried to cheat to see if I could read his ID badge but unfortunately, it had been turned in such a matter that it was impossible to read. I wanted to resort to looking him up, but could not do so nonchalantly during the discussion. He also liberally mentioned my name during our discussion, and it started to become awkward when I just kept interjecting, "you know," in place of his name.

What really worried me, however, was that with the onset of fall's colder temperature, I realized that my skin was getting dry and increasingly itchy in the low humidity in my office, particularly in the deep recessed channel of my back where you just could not humanly reach unless you were a certified circus acrobat. As I became fidgety in my chair, I wanted to ask my cohort to scratch my back, but thought the better of it since I could not remember his name. The mere thought of someone putting their unsanitary hand down my back to scratch somehow seemed unappealing until I realized that I REALLY NEEDED this itch to be scratched!

What would you do?

iWonder

How did the letter i become so prominent in product naming? Lower case at that. And what exactly does it stand for? Idea? "'I' can't put my name on this product but 'I' thought of it!"?

Drop an i in front of "Phone" and now everyone knows you have an Apple product of obvious utility. But how did "Pod" come to mean a music player? If Apple made a line of kitchen appliances, would we have an iFridge? Or maybe the coffee maker could be an iOpener!

i think this all started with BMW. 328i. 530i. i used to think the "i" designation meant it was something special (although there is still no obvious reference as to what it stands for) until I realized that letter i was on every freakin' Bimmer!

Hey - this gives me an idea...

Karma Chameleon

Check out my picture in Webster's Dictionary! I'm right there under "hypochondriac". If your uncle happens to be in the hospital after suffering a heart attack, please don't tell me the symptoms that led up to his attack - otherwise I'll be feeling those same symptons that evening. Those stomach pains that one tells me they're feeling after lunch in the cafeteria; poof - there they are!

You have a friend who becomes a downer with their constant complaining? I can become that friend. Tell me about that pain in the ass that won't stop making jokes and there I'll be, right next to him or her.

Why can't someone tell me about these wonderful people they know who are always engaging? Maybe I could take that on too. But wait - then I'd probably feel inadequate; you know I have those self esteem issues too.

Well is dry

As I pass through the friendly halls of my workplace, I am typically greeted by strangers passing who will smile and say "hi." Unfortunately, I am getting really tired of this practice because frankly, I feel my "smile bank" is running low. Too often I have to smile even though I don't really feel like it, and rather reserve my smiles for someone more deserving, like the pretty secretary on the 2nd floor or the cafeteria cashier who always has the uplifting "have a great day!" Somehow, I feel that there is only so many smiles that a person can offer before they are gone.

Think of it this way. Someone smart, like Yogi Berra, or at least Thad Bosley, claimed that a pitcher only has so many pitches in his arm before he becomes useless. That's why some pitchers go easy as they warm up so as not to use up those precious pitches. I liken that thought to what I am doing with smiles. If you're not careful, you may use up those smiles and that frown will be a permanent part of your face. Just look what happens when you used up your. . . well, you know.

Fashionista

As I grow wiser, I have noticed some weird fashion statements by my male peers. Why is it that I see a greater preponderence of men in white socks and dress shoes? It's still awkward in jeans, but I even see them in dress pants. Now I don't begrudge the person who is living check to check just trying to make ends meet, but is it that difficult to have the appropriate socks on? I'm even more mystified when I see white athletic socks with dress shoes. The only thing that I think would top that would be watching my neighbor down the block mowing the lawn in his black dress socks and shoes with shorts while he puffs on his cigar. At least his cigar band matches his socks.

Nature is Calling

I've been thinking lately about the Mormon church. Yes, this is a shameless plug to get those googling for info on Mormons or Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints to inadvertantly land on our blog. In any event, I came to believe that they are right about one thing. Traditionally, they have believed that a man should have more than one wife, otherwise known infamously as polygamy. Now, before you go off being all righteous on me, let me explain why there may be some merit to this idea. Think of other forms of life and how they can procreate incredibly with multiple partners. Man has billions and billions of sperm, but one woman could not possibly be expected to furnish her man with that many children or acts for that matter. I sincerely believe that nature intended man to have multiple partners. Do you think that cavemen only responded to one woman. Of course not! Their clubs in fact had the blood and hair of many women. In fact, it's only right that we do so. We should not go against the laws of nature, but live in harmony with as many wives as we can handle. Let's start a movement now! We shall call ourselves the New Age.

Asleep at the wheel

Similar to a lot of people, after a big lunch, I get drowsy, and during these occasions, am often tempted to catch a few z's in my office, but I'm fearful of getting caught since I don't have a lock at the door. This is another area that I think we've been beaten by the wiley Japanese who typically look forward to a restful nap during the work day to recharge their duracells. Why is it so taboo in American business anyway. You would think that there is so much waste during water cooler conversations and gossip visits that a 30 minute snooze wouldn't affect productivity much. In fact, I would bet that there are Japanese studies that prove such a nap would increase productivity. Next up: having sex in the office to improve the workplace blues.

Defined by Race

Why isn't that most people immediately consider race to be the primary differentiator of a person. Take Obama for example, he is a black man first, even though he is actually of mixed races. Why couldn't people seem him as that skinny guy, or that Chicagoan? Or that smart guy, or that glib person, no, we consider him the black guy running for president.

Now as he's running for the white house, a thought crossed my mind about the intense number of hours he must be spending in campaigning for the presidency. In fact, one could say that he's doing "yeoman's duty." What I beg to know is how did that expression come about? And who is that poor yeoman anyway? Did that come to be when George Bush graduated from his alma mater, and someone exclaimed that he must be doing Yale men's duty? Must have been some black guy.

Stay-cation

I'm getting really tired of overused terms and just plain dumb words, like the newly coined "stay-cation" to refer to those who prefer to stay home (likely because of the high cost of gas) rather than invest in a family (expensive) vacation. I am recommending that we create a post of these dumb phrases or words as a final call to retire them from our language. To start off our list, how about these priceless artifacts:

• "It is, what it is" (what ever the hell that means to anyone, since I've yet to understand this waste of rhetoric)
• "It's neither here, nor there" (another phrase that is about as insightful as the ever popular, "uhhh" or similar "you know, blah, blah, blah, you know"

By the way, I'm also tired of people responding to "how're you doing" with the generic "I'm fine." From now on, I'm going to add a little color to the dialogue by saying, "I'm translucent, Thank you"

General Postmaster

My mailbox has been approved by the Postmaster General. I'm not really sure why it needs approval, particularly at such a high level. It's only slightly more advanced than a waste basket. Slap a door and a flag on a waste basket, boom, you have a mailbox!

Why is this guy a general, anyway? I think this power has gone to his head if he has to go around approving mailboxes. If he wants to approve things, maybe he should take a closer look at some of the people they hire. Or even those crummy little trucks they drive around in.

I guess this guy is so flush with power that he only allows "real" mail to be left in these boxes. Now I get all kinds of fliers and crap stuck in the flag and tacked to the post. Why can't these people just leave this junk in my mailbox? Are they afraid they'll be arrested by some marauding Postmaster Corporals or Privates?

MasterCard-Bait

Amazing how overused the tag phrase has been since MasterCard successfully launched its commercial on "priceless." A week doesn't pass at work when someone tries to put together a memo with (what they believe is) an attention getting teaser at the beginning that always culminates in "priceless." Don't people realize that this is so ridiculously old that it's become passe, and the mere thought of trying to make it sound fresh only makes the author seem even more obsolete. So I plead with the world to stop this insanity, and let's rid the reference to "priceless" once and for all. Now on to the next overused term. . . NOT!

Room 101

I spent the night in Plainwell, Michigan last night. At the Motel 6.
The Westin was full.
The Hyatt had too many kids.

I got my room through Priceline.com.
I said I would like a five-star hotel.
It came back and told me it would like a user that had a clue.
I kept lowering the number of stars until I got a room at the price I wanted.
I didn't know you could go as low as .2 stars.

When I got there they gave me room 101. "Must be the front row."
I felt pretty special until I realized I was the only guest.
I got suspicious around 11:00 when the desk clerk called to say he was going home and could I make sure the front door was locked.
I didn't really mind being alone in the hotel but I really didn't like fixing the morning coffee and putting out the breakfast buffet.

Too Hip

I really don't like the way some people try to horn into conversations by trying to act like that they are already part of the team when they haven't "paid their dues." What I mean are people that are new to a group and immediately begin to pretend like they are a regular. For example, there is a person on our team who's name is Fletcher, but those that know him call him "Fletch" which actually is a pretty cool nickname to have. We have this woman who just transferred into our group who immediately refers to him as "Fletch." She is the type of person who pretends to be your biggest ally only to backstab you at every opportunity. Hearing her constantly bring up "Fletch" is so grating that I want to retch. A popular term that she tends to recite is "peeps." As in, our group needs more "peeps" if we are going to deliver this project. Did I say she gives me the creeps?

I Want to be Famous!

Not in a crazed criminal kind of way, however. And based on the readership of this particular endeavor, it won't in the blogging world either. Frankly, I have no idea how to accomplish this "famous" thing but something has to click.

Looking at my life to date, I'm finding it difficult to believe I'll be famous for anything of a serious nature. On the other hand, I'm not a Guinness Book of Records type person either. Maybe radio talk show host - that would be good. Or now that Richard Roeper is leaving that movie review program maybe I could take his place. That would be great - fame and all the movies I could ever want to see! Maybe I could finally meet Shannen Doherty! She's my favorite.

Sarbannes Oxley

With corporate america on heightened alert because of dishonesty, an outsider would think that we would now be having a period of the most open, civilized, and honest cultures, but in my company, this is very far from the truth. For example, how many times have people pretended to be on board for an idea during a meeting, only to secretly sabotage the proposal behind your back? During interviews, why do we act as if we love the candidate and string him or her along with no intentions of ever hiring the slug? Why do we tell the rude cafeteria cashier, "thanks" and "have a great day" when we know we are only patronizing her? Why do we say "great!" when asked "how are you doing? when we know we'd rather be at a Cubs game instead? Why do we claim we're so busy when we spend three quarters of the day gossiping about our idiot boss?

The Office

If you can't tell by now, I work in an office full of idiots with zero personalities. (And no, I don't fit in). Perhaps, it's because of the fact that I reside in an IT department may have something to do with it. For example, I had a brief conversation several months ago with a geek who's overweight body parallels his oversized ego. To break the ice, I initiated some small talk, and mentioned that I recently purchased a state of the art navigation unit. He immediately felt obligated to mention his new $5000 plasma screen. After spending what seemed like an eternity listening to me why his choice was better, I immediately saw my opportunity and ran like hell.

Over the course of the next several encounters with him in the hall, he immediately asks me about my navigation unit, which initially was a nice gesture to show that he remembered, but now seems so one dimensional as that is the only basis of our conversations. I typically respond back that I still like the unit, and the conversation stalls. After many long pauses, I usually make some excuse to "have to run."

My issue is why can't the imbecile come up with something original. Heck, I'd even appreciate if he asked me about the weather, baseball, rumor, anything but the damn navigation unit. It's times like these that make the old fashioned "how are you. . . fine," conversations seem so right.

What's Up? Or Across.

Summertime is here, time for all to show off our seasonally thin physiques. And while at the office this summer, grab your polo shirts and go!

But why, when we want to look our thinnest, do the shirt designers insist our polo shirts must have horizontal stripes? Don't they make one look fat? Even me in my... well, even me.

Long sleeve shirts never have horizontal stripes - always vertical. What's the deal with the polo shirts then? Finding vertical stripes on a polo shirt only happens when the summer help stacks the shirts sideways on the shelf!

Next up, boxer shorts.