Sustainabilty

When did "sustainability" become synonymous for social responsibility? I mean the word just doesn't conjure up visions of being "green." In fact, when did a color become synonymous for "sustainability?" Wasn't that Kermit's domain anyway? Who'd have thought that he would become reference in our blog? Just a few short years ago, I would have thought that "sustainability" referred to those girly-men out there who weren't able to prolong their manhood, kind of like Nathan who buy's Viagra in Club Packs at Costco.

Technology and Martin Luther King

Some people think that technology, like facebook for instance, limits normal social interaction, but I believe that it actually increases the likelihood that we stay in touch with a wider relationship network than we normally would. Think about the pre-internet days. Did we ever really get to know our neighbors? Do we still? How often have you entertained a block party? An orgy? I think not. So my point being that technology has allowed us to further explore relationships outside the confinement of the home, AND created a new world where people are truly equal. In fact, you can create an avator or virtual life that is completely separate from who you may be in reality. Race, color, religion etc. is not important, but may be quite obvious based on your published comments. The beauty of all this is people are judged not by the color of their skin, but by their character. Thank you, MLK. By the way, why do we always mention "creed" whenever we discuss discrimination? When was the last time you criticized someone over their creed? What does a rock band have to do with it anyway?

Connected

Some guys may have all the luck, but I now have a twitter account AND Google Voice! So even though you will incur long distance charges to Nova Scotia calling me on my single number, I can access my calls through cell, home, or office! I love technology almost as much as I love oysters served by Britney Spears in the raw. Call me, I'm wired, connected, in touch, and global.

Blago Blog

With the recent discovery of corruption in the Illinois Governor's office, one has to take some time to contemplate the state of political affairs. Is it the nature of the environment to survive in government these days to be unethical? Or is it the inherent nature of the individual who is predisposed to being corrupt just attracted to politics? Or could it possibly be the incredible thick hair of the heir apparent to Gov. Ryan? Speaking of Ryan, if he was so bad, why did they name an expressway after him in Chicago? Matter of time before Blagoveich Blvd. rears it's ugly (but thick hair on) head.

Privacy Under Pressure!

Ever feel that nothing's ever private anymore? Take for instance, the workplace. Now, I know they always say that your email and telephone conversations belong to your employer, and I fully understand that it is a priviledge, but how about an office? Shouldn't one feel somewhat secure behind a closed door? Too often, I find myself trying to get caught up on messages only to have that knock on my door asking if I'm busy. Duh? Why would I have my door closed if I want to speak to someone? Because I am the polite dolt, I typically will let them in. This is based on prior history when I would ignore the knocking, only to be greeted by further persistant knocking. As I opened the door, the person assumed that since he did not hear voices (indicating a meeting) that I was available!

This leads me to my present day dilemma. So after heaving down a large, supersized, bowl of extra creamy New England Clam Chowder at my desk, I found my lactose intolerant bowls twitching. I'll leave out the details and let you assume the rest. Behind my closed door sauna, I found myself in the relaxed comfort of my office scanning my emails today. Before I could launch into another long, drawn out message, I heard that startling knock at my door. As the pressure mounted, and the tension in the air filled, I came under a strange dilemma: Should I just play quiet in the hopes that my interrupting visitor would just leave or risk that my sealed office would reveal my obvious lactose intolerance issue?

The People Have Spoken

Barack Hussein Obama has officially been elected as the next President of the United States. This is really an accomplishment considering that he had to overcome such an unusual name. Meanwhile, the Republicans have already begun gearing up for the 2012 presidential election - Mitt Romney announced today that he was legally changing his middle name to Bin Laden.

Ring Tones

In this age of technology, you can hear the most popular and inane tunes when a phone rings. In fact, you can typically hear an obsure tune play instead of the typical electronic rings on a cell that you used to hear when they first came out. What I'm puzzled about is the inablilty to actually program a recorded voice to play back that's linked to caller ID. Invention (you heard it hear first) alert: Why don't they set up a way so when a caller calls, a voice prompts you that "it's your battle axe of a mother-in-law calling, please ignore the fat tub of goo!" or the more telling "it's your sexy nymphomanic girlfriend, drop everything and answer before she changes her mind!" Imagine the possibilities, if your boss calls: "Mr. arrogant bastard is checking up on his minions, better answer and break out the chapstick because he's gonna need a kiss-up" or the bill collector: "thank you sir, may I have another!"

There can be no end to the creative madness!

Driving Me Crazy!

Growing up as a precocious child, I was always curious about driving a vehicle. My first recollection was riding a bus, and being amazed at the enormous size of the vehicle. After dropping in the fare into the glass coin box, I sat in the front seat and watched a huge black man steer the bus into the traffic. As he made each stop, he was careful to open the door and greet each customer with a smile. My most vivid memory is actually the steering wheel, and the drivers ability to move the wheel with great effort. Not only was power steering probably a luxury, I'm not sure if it was even invented at the time, so a driver must have been pretty strong to overcome the physics of steering a bus of such size and weight. To compensate, I believe each bus was outfitted with a larger than life steer wheel. In fact, I think it would be difficult for even Atlas to be able to carry it on his shoulders. I imagine such a steering wheel would be protruding from the side windows in a normal car today.

I often think about how much easier and fun it would be to drive with such a large steering wheel. Only a few inches of movement would surely allow one to make a 45 degree turn. I couldn't even imagine how large an air back it could contain, probably an air mattress, so you can believe that it would be safe! I would even bet that it could serve as a hula hoop and snare a thrown driver in the event of a front end collision. Imagine being saved in an accident and being able to compete in Ringling Bros. at the same time!

Pardon My French!

I've never cared for the expression "pardon my french". Naturally, to show my disdain, I began to use the expression myself with what I hoped was a sarcastic tone. It now occurs to me that the subtlety of my tone may be lost on the casual listener - I could be one that others look upon with the same disdain that I have.

All I can say is "L'enfer avec cette merde". I don't think FreeTranslation.com quite handled my expression correctly though. Oh well, pardon my french!

Scratch Pad

I was having a meeting with someone I hadn't met before, and for some reason, during the middle of the conversation, I completely forgot his name. I typically would like to mention a person's name in such a meeting to further a point, but simply could not figure out who he was. I tried to cheat to see if I could read his ID badge but unfortunately, it had been turned in such a matter that it was impossible to read. I wanted to resort to looking him up, but could not do so nonchalantly during the discussion. He also liberally mentioned my name during our discussion, and it started to become awkward when I just kept interjecting, "you know," in place of his name.

What really worried me, however, was that with the onset of fall's colder temperature, I realized that my skin was getting dry and increasingly itchy in the low humidity in my office, particularly in the deep recessed channel of my back where you just could not humanly reach unless you were a certified circus acrobat. As I became fidgety in my chair, I wanted to ask my cohort to scratch my back, but thought the better of it since I could not remember his name. The mere thought of someone putting their unsanitary hand down my back to scratch somehow seemed unappealing until I realized that I REALLY NEEDED this itch to be scratched!

What would you do?

iWonder

How did the letter i become so prominent in product naming? Lower case at that. And what exactly does it stand for? Idea? "'I' can't put my name on this product but 'I' thought of it!"?

Drop an i in front of "Phone" and now everyone knows you have an Apple product of obvious utility. But how did "Pod" come to mean a music player? If Apple made a line of kitchen appliances, would we have an iFridge? Or maybe the coffee maker could be an iOpener!

i think this all started with BMW. 328i. 530i. i used to think the "i" designation meant it was something special (although there is still no obvious reference as to what it stands for) until I realized that letter i was on every freakin' Bimmer!

Hey - this gives me an idea...

Karma Chameleon

Check out my picture in Webster's Dictionary! I'm right there under "hypochondriac". If your uncle happens to be in the hospital after suffering a heart attack, please don't tell me the symptoms that led up to his attack - otherwise I'll be feeling those same symptons that evening. Those stomach pains that one tells me they're feeling after lunch in the cafeteria; poof - there they are!

You have a friend who becomes a downer with their constant complaining? I can become that friend. Tell me about that pain in the ass that won't stop making jokes and there I'll be, right next to him or her.

Why can't someone tell me about these wonderful people they know who are always engaging? Maybe I could take that on too. But wait - then I'd probably feel inadequate; you know I have those self esteem issues too.

Well is dry

As I pass through the friendly halls of my workplace, I am typically greeted by strangers passing who will smile and say "hi." Unfortunately, I am getting really tired of this practice because frankly, I feel my "smile bank" is running low. Too often I have to smile even though I don't really feel like it, and rather reserve my smiles for someone more deserving, like the pretty secretary on the 2nd floor or the cafeteria cashier who always has the uplifting "have a great day!" Somehow, I feel that there is only so many smiles that a person can offer before they are gone.

Think of it this way. Someone smart, like Yogi Berra, or at least Thad Bosley, claimed that a pitcher only has so many pitches in his arm before he becomes useless. That's why some pitchers go easy as they warm up so as not to use up those precious pitches. I liken that thought to what I am doing with smiles. If you're not careful, you may use up those smiles and that frown will be a permanent part of your face. Just look what happens when you used up your. . . well, you know.

Fashionista

As I grow wiser, I have noticed some weird fashion statements by my male peers. Why is it that I see a greater preponderence of men in white socks and dress shoes? It's still awkward in jeans, but I even see them in dress pants. Now I don't begrudge the person who is living check to check just trying to make ends meet, but is it that difficult to have the appropriate socks on? I'm even more mystified when I see white athletic socks with dress shoes. The only thing that I think would top that would be watching my neighbor down the block mowing the lawn in his black dress socks and shoes with shorts while he puffs on his cigar. At least his cigar band matches his socks.

Nature is Calling

I've been thinking lately about the Mormon church. Yes, this is a shameless plug to get those googling for info on Mormons or Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints to inadvertantly land on our blog. In any event, I came to believe that they are right about one thing. Traditionally, they have believed that a man should have more than one wife, otherwise known infamously as polygamy. Now, before you go off being all righteous on me, let me explain why there may be some merit to this idea. Think of other forms of life and how they can procreate incredibly with multiple partners. Man has billions and billions of sperm, but one woman could not possibly be expected to furnish her man with that many children or acts for that matter. I sincerely believe that nature intended man to have multiple partners. Do you think that cavemen only responded to one woman. Of course not! Their clubs in fact had the blood and hair of many women. In fact, it's only right that we do so. We should not go against the laws of nature, but live in harmony with as many wives as we can handle. Let's start a movement now! We shall call ourselves the New Age.

Asleep at the wheel

Similar to a lot of people, after a big lunch, I get drowsy, and during these occasions, am often tempted to catch a few z's in my office, but I'm fearful of getting caught since I don't have a lock at the door. This is another area that I think we've been beaten by the wiley Japanese who typically look forward to a restful nap during the work day to recharge their duracells. Why is it so taboo in American business anyway. You would think that there is so much waste during water cooler conversations and gossip visits that a 30 minute snooze wouldn't affect productivity much. In fact, I would bet that there are Japanese studies that prove such a nap would increase productivity. Next up: having sex in the office to improve the workplace blues.

Defined by Race

Why isn't that most people immediately consider race to be the primary differentiator of a person. Take Obama for example, he is a black man first, even though he is actually of mixed races. Why couldn't people seem him as that skinny guy, or that Chicagoan? Or that smart guy, or that glib person, no, we consider him the black guy running for president.

Now as he's running for the white house, a thought crossed my mind about the intense number of hours he must be spending in campaigning for the presidency. In fact, one could say that he's doing "yeoman's duty." What I beg to know is how did that expression come about? And who is that poor yeoman anyway? Did that come to be when George Bush graduated from his alma mater, and someone exclaimed that he must be doing Yale men's duty? Must have been some black guy.

Stay-cation

I'm getting really tired of overused terms and just plain dumb words, like the newly coined "stay-cation" to refer to those who prefer to stay home (likely because of the high cost of gas) rather than invest in a family (expensive) vacation. I am recommending that we create a post of these dumb phrases or words as a final call to retire them from our language. To start off our list, how about these priceless artifacts:

• "It is, what it is" (what ever the hell that means to anyone, since I've yet to understand this waste of rhetoric)
• "It's neither here, nor there" (another phrase that is about as insightful as the ever popular, "uhhh" or similar "you know, blah, blah, blah, you know"

By the way, I'm also tired of people responding to "how're you doing" with the generic "I'm fine." From now on, I'm going to add a little color to the dialogue by saying, "I'm translucent, Thank you"

General Postmaster

My mailbox has been approved by the Postmaster General. I'm not really sure why it needs approval, particularly at such a high level. It's only slightly more advanced than a waste basket. Slap a door and a flag on a waste basket, boom, you have a mailbox!

Why is this guy a general, anyway? I think this power has gone to his head if he has to go around approving mailboxes. If he wants to approve things, maybe he should take a closer look at some of the people they hire. Or even those crummy little trucks they drive around in.

I guess this guy is so flush with power that he only allows "real" mail to be left in these boxes. Now I get all kinds of fliers and crap stuck in the flag and tacked to the post. Why can't these people just leave this junk in my mailbox? Are they afraid they'll be arrested by some marauding Postmaster Corporals or Privates?

MasterCard-Bait

Amazing how overused the tag phrase has been since MasterCard successfully launched its commercial on "priceless." A week doesn't pass at work when someone tries to put together a memo with (what they believe is) an attention getting teaser at the beginning that always culminates in "priceless." Don't people realize that this is so ridiculously old that it's become passe, and the mere thought of trying to make it sound fresh only makes the author seem even more obsolete. So I plead with the world to stop this insanity, and let's rid the reference to "priceless" once and for all. Now on to the next overused term. . . NOT!