Milestone Birthdays

No, I did not say headstone, but milestone. Amazing how we wait until we reach a milestone birthday to reflect on our achievements or rather lack there of. Think about how many people consider this the time to start jotting down skydiving, college degrees, buying a corvette, etc. when most people observing would consider that too late to truly enjoy the aforementioned activities. How many times have you seen that balding, over-aged, hawaiian print wearing corvette driver whizzing by? I think we should try to get as many accomplishments done while we truly have the capacity to enjoy them, and accept the fact that when we reach 50 that the penis enlarger just won't work.

Grab Some Bench

Since when does a baseball manager need a bench coach? Is in-game strategy so complex that the manager can't figure this stuff on his own? For 100 years, managers such as Connie Mack, John McGraw, Sparky Anderson and Lee Elia got by without the benefit of a bench coach. Of course, Lee Elia may have needed a clubhouse coach, but that's a different matter entirely.

What? I can't hear you!

Being the cool hipster that I am, you'll occasionally see me cruising the mean streets of my neighborhood wearing an iPod. Furthermore, as a music afficionado - and world traveler - I have invested in an expensive set of headphones that not only transmit the tunes directly to my ears, they also cancel out unwanted external noises. Or so they say.

The noise cancelling feature is operated by a swith on the left earpiece. I have observed that when I move the switch to the on position, the music in my ears becomes louder. Could this be the noise cancellation technology at work? A simple increase in volume to "cancel out" those harsh exterior sounds. Perhaps this technology is not all its advertised to be! Have I been had?!

Alexis Gomez

So when did the father of the Addams family get a starring role on the Tigers? What kind of name is Alexis anyway. No wonder he's had such a tough time in the major leagues. He's got a woman's name! Imagine how Brandon Inge must feel when he has to tell his wife that he's going out with Alexis after the game. What the hell kind of name is Inge anyway? Sounds like something that keeps a door swinging, not a ballplayer. Almost as bad as Neifi Perez. I mean what is that?!?! How in the world do you curse a child by naming him a "Neifi!" What were they thinking? As if, Perez dispenser is not bad enough, they have to label the poor kid with a moniker that sounds like a freaking fairy. Now don't start me on Wilfredo Ledezma. His first name sounds like a white sauce for pasta while his last name is a skin disease. Great combination. Too bad he was saddled with both and bad acne. Jamie Walker? Didn't he star in Good Times? He's just Dyno-MITE! My favorite is obviously, Kenny Rogers. Damn, he makes good chicken!

Genuine

Somewhere amongst our possessions sits a genuine Swiss Army Knife - manufactured by Victorinox. And then there's the business portfolio I carry from time to time with the Swiss Army logo; it is made by Wenger - the "manufacturer of the genuine Swiss Army Knife". In our closet we have an officially licensed Swiss Army suitcase also made by the "maker of the genuine Swiss Army Knife" - Swiss Gear.

If all these people claim to make the same thing, can there really be a genuine Swiss Army Knife? In fact, does a "neutral" country even have an army? And if there is no army, is there even a knife?

I submit that this entire Swiss Army Knife thing is a fraud. Perpetrated, I'm sure, by those same people that try to pass off the servers at Olive Garden as real Italians.