Take Me to the Cleaners

I really don't like ironing. Part of my problem is that I'm a slow ironer. A week's worth of clothes will take me an hour. But I (strategically) have enough clothes to last me two weeks. My standard ironing session has therefore now been extended to two hours.

I have finally allowed myself to escape this grueling task by taking my clothes to the cleaners. Aside from the obvious extra expense, I have discovered a minor problem with this idea - there is a non-stop barrage of hangers entering our household.

I've contemplated taking them back to the cleaners for "recycling" but I don't like the thought of my clean clothes hanging on someone else's used hanger. I'm sure I'm not alone in that.

In trying to stem this tidal wave of wire, I have adopted far more stringent quality standards in my hanger assessment. At the first sign of bending, those wire hangers are gone. The slightest crease in a cardboard pants-hanger renders it obsolete. This isn't enough.

Hangers get sent off to school with my college bound son. My youngest son does his best to rotate the stock by yanking his clothes from the closet with barely a thought that there is some object that suspends his shirts underneath that shelf. Still, they don't stop coming.

Vacant hanging space in my closet is filled with idle hangers. The college son's empty closet is empty no more as even more hangers have filled that space. There's no more room in the laundry room. Or the youngest son's closet. Or the pantry. Or the refrigerator. We've even resorted to giving hangers to Goodwill. Please make it stop! With these cleaning bills, I can no longer afford a bigger house.

Bathroom Etiquette

Here's a topic that I have yet to find Emily Post address. What do you do when you happen to be having a conversation with a colleague, and he begins to walk into the restroom? Do you continue the dialogue as if nothing's change even though you are surrounded by plumbing? I found myself in this predicament today. First, I must say that the conversation began innocently enough. I was attending an offsite meeting, and decided to make a mad dash to the building complex because it happened to be lightly raining. As I came closer to the building, I noticed the colleague in question up ahead, and as he saw me approaching, he stopped, despite the rain, and waited for me to catch up. Because of this courtesy, I believed that I had an obligation to continue the conversation since he earnestly struck up the dialogue. During the middle part of our talk, and without warning, he entered the bathroom. He ran into the stall, and rather than stand there dumbfounded, I decided to use the urinal. After a few moments of awkward silence, he continued the conversation as if nothing was different.

Besides the occasional groans and grunts coming from the stall, nothing else was unusual and he was able to discuss the complexity of calculating the company's latest quarterly results. During this awkward spell, he let loose what could only be described as an incredible cleansing of the bowels. Not only was there the tell tale sound of water splashing and volcanoes erupting, he was still able to resume the dialogue as if nothing was happening. At this point, I am trying to wash my hands and hoping no one else were to enter to hear us keep this conversation going while he was in all his glory.

Now, my real dilemma at this juncture is how do I leave? Should I stay and be subjected to this and possibly be accused of being the perpetrator as I walk away with his stench on my clothes? Or do I leave and possibly risk that he is offended that I left him in mid-conversation? After all, he was willing to stand in the rain and wait for me earlier? Or worse yet, what if I leave and don't say anything, and he assumes that I am still there continuing the conversation with a ghost? What if someone enters to hear him talking to no one?

Bowling 101

I joined a company bowling league last fall. This is not my company's league, mind you, so over and above the fact that I'm a member, this is clearly a league with minimal restrictions on membership. Just the same, these people are serious about their bowling; makes one wonder what I'm doing there.

My first lesson on day one - bowling is done at a "house". And there are apparently vast differences between these houses because one of my teammates told me later on that at "this house" he only needs to bring two [bowling] balls. Yes, only two. This person owns four bowling balls and drags them (literally) every week to our house of bowling. With roughly 70 pounds of equipment, bowling bags can now be purchased with wheels and can also be stacked one upon another.

And if you purchase a new bowling ball, this equipment should be phased in slowly. Sort of a courtship period, if you will. It takes some time to develop a relationship with a new ball so one should proceed cautiously - perhaps using only for practice for the first few weeks.

Let me tell you, there is quite a level of sophistication for a league comprised of teams such as the "Big Johnsons" and "Minds in Da Gutter".

Bunny Job Hopping

Yes, it is that great time of the year when we scurry around looking for those golden eggs. No, I'm not referring to Easter, but an employment search. This led me to the weird thought that why are references ever requested anymore? In this age of litigation, you'd think that there are other ways to corroborate character, like credit checks, background checks, and checks in the mail. Anyway, I digress. Is it really feasible to ask for references when we know that the candidate will attempt to provide a biased sample of people to speak with. Ok, so it is somewhat disguised as Grandma puts the handkerchief over the phone to pretend to be Sally the CFO from IBM.

This is Nuts

Felix Pie of the Chicago Cubs is suffering from "testicular torsion" (or in layman's terms, a twisted testicle) that will require some minor surgery. This is apparently a rather expensive procedure because I hear that Elliot Spitzer paid over $4,000 to have this done back in February.

Breakfast of Champions

100% fruit juice. Whole grain cereal. God, I'm sick of eating healthy (well, let's ignore that cheeseburger I had for lunch today).

Seriously though, is there a better juice than Hawaiian Punch? I'm telling you, if you simply mix sugar, water and red food coloring together you get one tasty beverage. Fresh squeezed orange juice has nothing on a nice Hawaiian Punch.

And then there's Cap'n Crunch. Sort of like eating crunchy candy for breakfast. And it really stands up to milk! For that matter, it really stands up to my gums too. However, once they scab over and form calluses there is not a better cereal on the planet.

Mock Apple Pie

I suppose this does sound more appetizing than "Ritz Cracker Pie" but somehow I don't see the need for a fake apple pie. Research tells me that there was some kind of apple shortage back in the 30's so America's insatiable appetite for apple pie apparently had to be addressed somehow back then. But has anyone under the age of 70 ever not seen apples at the grocery store?

How does someone come up with this idea, anyway? "I wish I had a slice of apple pie right now - but maybe cracker pie would be just as good?" I think I might be more apt to make a fake strawberry pie with a bag of Starburst candies. I guess I'm just not a forward thinker (except for the "microwave" refrigerator idea a few weeks ago).

Then again, I really have no room to talk because I could go for a bowl of Apple Jacks right now.