Barnes & Borders

I stopped in my local mega bookstore recently, and became puzzled as to what they are trying to sell. There in the corner was a small cafe serving small pastries and coffee whilst readers were sipping their warm java as they flipped pages of, no doubt, books that they had taken off the shelf. Now, I can understand that libraries are now cutting into this line of business by offering their own cafe on premises. In fact, our local branch even offers a cup of coffee as well where the strong savory smell permeates through every wing of our library. In that case, I can understand that the books are essentially free, so why not make some extra cash by pushing the liquid caffeine? But the primary source of revenue in a bookstore must be the books, right? So why do they encourage potential buyers to sit around and read their books without having to purchase them. In fact, don't they risk that the book reader may damage one of their publications by spilling their liquid gold on a brand new Stephen King book? Yes, one could argue that then the book store just made a sale, but realize that most in this situation may just quickly close the book and put it back on the shelf awaiting the next unsuspecting buyer? I also think asking people to come in and relax somewhat upsets the entire premise of the retail world. Turnover! Shouldn't customers come in and buy what they need and get the hell out so you can make more profit? Imagine if people lined up at the Infiniti dealer only to come in and sit in the car while drinking coffee without any intentions of buying? Why, not only would that discourage other potential buyers, the dealership would rarely have a car to test drive with all the homeless people squatting in their previously shiny and clean cars!

This insanity must stop! It's just so un-American! Now leave me alone while I head over to my Starbucks so I can use their Wi-FI connection.

Shook me all night long

This early morning, I awoke to a vibrating bed, and it didn't even cost me a quarter. No, I wasn't at a cheap motel, but rudely awaken at 4:30 in the morning in the midst of a real live, crevice making, earth splitting, earthquake! Imagine my surprise to see the walls shaking like Jerry Lee Lewis while trying to get out of bed walking like Jerry Lewis. I originally thought that such occurrences were reserved for those on the west coast. My to my dismay, my world was turning. Now as I brace for the aftershocks, I'm reminded of a time when things were so much simpler, and you could count on things being there when you wake up. Instead, I can't sleep because I keep thinking my toothbrush is bounding to the toilet during the next wave of tremors. What am I going to do!

Wide Bottom Girls

With all due respect to Freddie Mercury and Queen, I do have some empathy for those overweight women out there. However, I do believe that I have run into a couple of those Lane Bryant types who may not necessarily be classified as the nicest people around. Case in point: yesterday as I was leaving the complex of my large midwestern employer, I was walking through the crowd trying to get to my car in the parking garage. There is a narrow hall that can fit approximately 20 people wide going in both directions. This allows probably 3 people walking alongside in each direction. I, along with several others, was trying to keep pace, when suddenly there she was. A large woman who happened to be going at a slower pace. Now, I do not begrudge someone who may not be able to keep up, especially those who may be elderly or potentially have some physical handicap. Rest assured, this was not the case. What was unusual in my circumstance was the velocity of her arm movements. She was rapidly flailing, yes flailing her arms around to such a degree that no one could pass her.

Now, I'm not referring to her arm movements as those of a typical speed walker. Hers was definitely of the obnoxious, "don't even think about passing me, or I'll snip off your scrotom" variety. More to come tomorrow.

The Wright Stuff

Why is one who writes plays not referred to as a playwrite rather than the seemingly misspelled playwright?

And what's with that bizarre phraseology anyway? Was John Lennon a songwright? I don't believe John Grisham is a bookwright. And yet, Ben, Little Joe and Hoss are all Cartwrights.

Can't they all just be authors? Or writers?

Just a thought.

Nathan Kinzel, blogwright

Privilege

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but ever notice how some handicapped individuals may actually have benefits not typically afforded to the general populace? Now, I am not referring to handicapped parking spots, nor bathroom stalls, which I can fully understand and endorse due to their disability. What I'm intrigued about is the ability to do what you and I, John Q. Public, cannot do. For example, just today, I was walking down the hall of my large midwestern employer and walking beside me trying to keep pace was a man walking on crutches. As he walked, he let out some lengthy flatulence, that because of the sheer duration of the sound, I admit that I was somewhat impressed. Now, my first reaction was, "whoa, that can't be what I think it is," so I paused. I kept insisting to myself that it must be the rubber on the bottom of his crutches or perhaps shoes that were rubbing together that unusual sound.

To which, he definitively reminded me that there was no mistake in that he let loose again. No, not only did he repeat his reminder, but cut loose a monumental example of why he IS the man! Afterwards, he looked at me like he was surprised that I would dare question his need to release some gas. As if, I were the one with the unusual problem. I then noticed an older woman walk past who looked at me with a serious, but quizzical stare as if I were the one with the problem as well. No doubt that she heard and noticed what HE did, but now she was staring at me as if I were the issue. So now, my friends, I am at a loss. Perhaps, I should be more sensitive to those less fortunate, and allow them this rite of passage without making them feel so uncomfortable. You could say, I suppose, that I should cut them some slack as they cut the cheese.

Ironic

No, this is not a tribute to Alanis Morrisette, but an observation. Why is it that there are so many bald barbers? Worse yet, why are there so many overweight doctors? You'd think that they, if anyone would understand proper nutrition. I thought it peculiar when I took my son in to the optometrist recently and noticed that all the doctors in the practice wearing glasses. Didn't they eat carrots when they were young? Imagine my surprise to find the local LASIK practitioner is blind as a bat!