What's in My Fridge?

We have an all butter pound cake in our refrigerator. A Sara Lee product. But I have 2 problems with our all butter pound cake. First of all, it's not all butter. If it were all butter it would be exactly that, butter. And then the modifier "all butter" would be useless because what's the point of labeling butter as "all butter butter"?

My next issue is the pound part. Our cake weighs 10.75 ounces. Sounds to me like we were ripped off for 5.25 ounces of cake. Or was it butter that we were shorted? I can say this for certain, if I wanted to butter my toast in the morning with my "all butter" product, I'm about one pound short of being able to do it.

The New Five Blade Gillette Razor

I'm so embarassed. I actually bought into that two blades is better than one thing - but I figured that two blades was the absolute peak of shaving requirements. But then came three blades. And four blades. And now somehow we actually need five blades to shave?!

I suppose at some point there must be a limit. At a maximum I figure the number of blades should not have a combined height that exceeds the length of shavable inches on the average face. I think that would make about 50 blades.

Then there is the weight consideration. Once the razor exceeds a certain number of ounces I would assume one's dexterity would begin to diminish. There has to be a point where the benefit of extra blades is offset by the loss of agility as one struggles to move this behemoth across one's face.

And what exactly is the benefit of all those extra blades? The twin blade supposedly used the lead blade to pull a hair a little further out of the face while the second blade chopped the sucker off. Are we now to assume that the first four blades each pull that hair ever further out of the face just before number five comes along to finish the dirty deed? At some point I fear a vital organ might come peaking out with all those objects tugging on my face. God forbid that I shave one of those right off of me. That would take some kind of after shave to soothe that razor burn!

Hurricane Katrina is coming

and will be bringing some hefty waves. Afterwards, I'm sure we'll be walking on sunshine again. And don't it feel good!

We've Lost Our Audience

Or bored them to tears.

Apparently there is not a lot of demand to read through an endless series of nonsensical puns. We've barely added new posts over the last couple of months and as a consequence our readership has dwindled! Even Echotig has only posted a comment or two. And when was the last time we heard from Allen? We need to stir the pot more! I'm willing to post to our blog if Mr. Huge 2 U is willing to post comments on other blogs to generate interest. I'll even try to be interesting - or at least more interesting than this particular posting.

Can I tell you something?

You know what? There are too many catchphrases in society today. You know what I'm saying? I mean, so many things people say seem pre-fabricated. You know - been there, done that. To be honest with you, I think it's gone too far. You know what I mean?

Stop the Insanity!

It has been far too long since something new has been posted in this space as a BLOG. We have been far too preoccupied with frivolous and silly comments that only serve to extend a nonsensical string of puns well beyond the thrust of the blog to which they were attached.

More importantly, in light of our "gentleman's agreement" to only comment on the most recent 4 blogs, this will serve 2 further purposes:

1. It will end the string of St. Louis Cardinal player puns (appropriately at 70 since Mark McGwire was the last pun reference) and,
2. Mr. Huge won't have the last word that he covets so much.

As always, thanks for reading.

Am I Obsessive Compulsive?

There I was a couple of days ago in the middle of a sand trap on one of the local golf courses. Being the sportsmanlike person that I am, I grabbed the rake and smoothed out any trace of my presence in the sand so as not to disturb the next poor guy. As I carefully tended to the landscape, not only did I straighten out my own footprints, I was also taking care of some inconsiderate predecessor's as well. Consciously even, not by accident. This could only mean one thing: I'm an obsessive compulsive person (and I leap to conclusions rather quickly).

There is further evidence. At magazine racks in newstands I've been known to rearrange errant magazines so that they're back in their proper place. After all, we can't have FHM covering up the Time stack, can we? And how about the grocery store? I can't stand having the tomato paste oozing over into the tomato sauce section. And God forbid that the vanilla and butterscotch flavored Jell-O puddings should intermingle.

So there you have it, only one possible explanation - obsessive compulsive.

Or a neatnik maybe.

Are you Dodging my question?

I have been getting a substantial amount of earwax lately to the point that it's literaly falling out of my freaking ear. Hope I don't develop an Eric. Oh no, Gagne with a spoon!

Ever notice that contractors. . .

I'm working with a cement contractor and a landscaper. Fortunately, it hasn't rained too much here because I'm told that whenever it does rain, they cannot perform their work, and that further strains their schedule because of the backup of assignments. Strange, that they are so dependent on the rain forecast since the successful outcome of their "work" is essentially dependent on the rain.

I have this fixation with trash...

This being a holiday week I took the trash out one day later than I normally would. For as long as I can remember this has been the appropriate thing to do during a holiday week. This of course raises the obvious question of "how does my garbage man benefit from a holiday?".

Let's call my garbage man Tom. Tom enjoyed his Memorial Day holiday watching the Cub game on TV. On Tuesday, Tom picks up all of the garbage he would have otherwise picked up on Monday. On Wednesday, he picks up Tuesday's trash and so on through the week. So what happens at the end of the week? Does Tom pick up Friday's trash on Saturday? Would Saturday normally be a day off? If so, why not work on the holiday so Tom can enjoy his usual day off on Saturday?

Does anyone have trash day on Friday? Maybe Friday people just don't get their trash picked up at all during a holiday week. Or maybe they add a few extra houses at the end of the day each day to make up for the lost productivity at the beginning of the week. But who are those people that get added at the end of the day? And how does a customer know he's one of the "late in the same day" customers versus a "next day" customer?

Tomorrow's topic: Do I really over-analyze things?

What ever happened to Vanilla Ice?

I heard that the Ice man was going to be on some reality TV show. Amazing that he made a career off of that one song and wild personality. Only in America. Next thing we'll hear that some guy with a big 'fro who's a fight promoter will end up King.

This is Garbage!

I dragged my trash can out to the curb last night for pickup this morning. That trash can has to be at least 15 to 20 years old by now and is in fine working condition. But what if it wasn't? How would I throw it away?

Every Tuesday evening I leave the trash can and its no longer useful contents by the street. The next evening, there it is again but emptied of the family discards. This is, of course, how the world should work in suburbia. However, say I wanted to rid myself of this can once and for all. What if I wanted a new can to match the house? Do I leave the old can outside without anything thrown inside of it and hope the garbage collectors take the hint? Should I flip it upside down to signify that it died and it's time for burial? I could put it in the recycling bin but I don't think it would fit. I suppose I could leave a sign on the side along the lines of "take this trash and the can it rode in on!". However, I think if I were the trash collector, I would simply take the sign and leave the can. I think someone has to be more clever than that to rid themselves of a trash can.

Why do birds. . .

allegedly NOT leave droppings while in flight? Tell that to my neighbor who told me she got a doozie planted on her head and laundry as she was putting her clothes up on the line.

Amish Furniture

So why is Amish furniture so special? I know it's made by hand, but wouldn't you think that there are other craftmen around that could do as good a job? Also, what is wrong with a high volume production process? One would think that the quality would be consistent and of a higher grade than that of a hand made special anyway. Would you buy an overpriced car because it was hand made? Think about those cars made in 3rd world countries with cheap labor! Production Line Automation is not a bad thing especially considering the cost advantages and the fact that you'll get tired of whatever you bought in a few years anyway. BTW, anyone want to buy a "like new" Subaru?

It's Time for a New Post

Hey! How's it goin'? Guess I'm kind of at a loss for something to say, eh? Dude, get a life. This is so bogus man. What am I talkin' about anyway. Totally cool.

I'm glad you've read this far because I've clearly established there is nothing on my barren mind. Yep, I'm a desert. Not a dessert. But that brings up an interesting question, if you could be any kind of dessert what would you be?

I don't think I'd be cake. Or pie. Maybe ice cream - ice cream is cool. Ice cream with hot fudge. I'm cool but hot! And a little nuts. I guess I'm a sundae.

There you go, top that!

Happy Birthday...

to anyone who may read this post on their actual birthday. For those blog reading hobbyists who happen to pass by when it is not your birthday, please check back on that special day and this post will still be here for you! You may, of course, have to check the archives.

And for those readers whose birthday actually falls on the date of this post and in fact read it today - well, see the title above. I'm sure you're not over the hill and wasting your life away in some smoky, low rent casino in podunk, U.S.A.

Why does Zamboni make me laugh?

We have all heard of the ice surfacing machine, right? So why does the mere mention of the name bring out grins and belly aching laughs? Is it the sound as one pronouces it? Could it be the service it provides? Or is it the weird spelling? Not sure, but I do know that he's one of the best pitchers that ever took the mound. Hopefully Carlos Zamboni can keep his emotions in check before his next start.

Time for Phase 2

Enough of double entendre, innuendo and blatant pandering to the basest of the human instinct. Our heretofore fruitless (save for one much appreciated reader) attempts at generating an audience have not achieved the desired result. Puns certainly have their place in the world - or at least here on this particular blog - but we need more. Something approaching real discourse, though not necessarily rational or intelligent.

My inclination here is to suggest we solicit viewership from family, friends and co-workers. However, a quick mental read of our prior posts leads me think I'd rather start with Mr. H2O's family, friends and co-workers. I might even go so far as to suggest we offer member status to frequent or favored posters so that they are not confined to only comment. In short, we need to network this blog. Create a conblogerate, if you will.

So there you go, Mr. H, invite a friend. Or even a foe. I dare you.

Cingulair vs. Cingular

My doctor prescribed an allergy medication for me today, and for some reason the pills have a weird electronic ring, but the good news is that I stop sneezing whenever I'm on my cell phone. Perhaps, I should have monthly prescription from Cingular instead of a subscription from Cingulair, but what the hay, the comics section is funny.

Phreakin Phunny Puns

So, I see, you resorted to shameless advertising in your feeble attempt at generating interest through the new blog name. Perhaps, we should post a picture of you and call our site: human jack o'lantern? By the way, did you notice the post in the April 19 blog?